


Heartless

by freakingdork



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Autism, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-03
Updated: 2012-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-03 00:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/374844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freakingdork/pseuds/freakingdork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Contrary to popular belief, Sherlock does have a heart, but John wonders if perhaps the people around him don't. (slight spoilers for 2x03)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartless

**Author's Note:**

> This is an askbox prompt that I didn't know what to do with and then suddenly I wrote almost 800 words. Prompted by allthingsanonymous

Most people interpret Shelock's "tantrums" as immature and think that his "bad" behavior is a sign of his supposed lack of empathy. John knows it's easier to believe that Sherlock is a "high functioning sociopath" than to examine one's privilege and change one's expectations of proper behavior.

That's the thing that makes John a better candidate for his flatmate than most - John's a doctor. And just as Sherlock is good at deducing, John is good at diagnosing.

For one, there's no such thing as a high functioning sociopath and even if there was, he's seen Sherlock's empathy. It was a short moment, just after John insinuates that he knows what he'd say as he was dying because of the war. It's obvious by the look on Sherlock's face that he's utterly horrified, but Sherlock's complete and utter focus on the Work renders all outside information useless. The second Sherlock realizes he's done wrong, it nearly paralyses him, so the quick change in subject doesn't bother John in the long run; if he'd focused on the embarrassment, it'd take up all his resources. Besides, it's further confirmation of his suspicions.

For another, John can see other signs too. His "stimming" is atypical, but fits with someone who has been taught "socially acceptable" alternative behaviors. His controlled movements belay a sense of practice, as well as a fear of losing control. Then there’s his obsessive thought patterns and the way he loses the sensation of hunger or pain when he's concentrating on Work.

He also reacts to overstimulation in stereotypical ways - shutdown or meltdown. John sees the near catatonic behavior early on; Sherlock's so focused on sorting out the details that he won't move for hours on end and then he needs John to send a text for him. It's as if he can't move for fear of losing his entire train of thought and his verbal ability seems reduced during that time too. A meltdown shows up during the drug bust - there are so many people talking and these people are trying to shame him in front of his new potential flatmate and it'd be overwhelming to the typical person, but for Sherlock? He probably hears every scuffle of feet, the light bulb that make a soft buzzing noise, smells everyone’s cologne and perfume, feels every little tremor on the floor and this is on top of the embarrassment and people talking and understandably, Sherlock strikes out.

It's not that John would tell Sherlock right out that he sees what everyone else ignores; he didn't particularly care for it when Sherlock did it to him on their first meeting. Instead, he sneaks in conversations about how it's not appropriate to smile at crime scenes and he doesn't "correct" Sherlock's typical stimming when it appears and he insists on checking Sherlock for wounds after a big fight and does all the little things that need to be done to keep Sherlock healthy.

To John, as frustrating as Sherlock can be at times, the people around Sherlock seem more heartless than him. As far as he can tell, no one has really tried to understand Sherlock's behavior. Sherlock does care about people, but it's expressed in such an atypical way that people miss it. But because they think Sherlock doesn't have a heart, they treat him in the most cruel and hurtful ways and somehow come away thinking they're not being terrible people.

It’s a disheartening thing to realize, but as John falls farther into their friendship, the more he feels a need to protect Sherlock from these things. Because even more disheartening? Sherlock has probably been treated this way his whole life. He’s likely dealt with bullying not just for being smart, but also for not understanding the social conventions that “everyone” knows.

When Moriarty comes after Sherlock, he tries to make everyone believe that Sherlock has been behind all these crimes, and all John can seem to worry about is how other people will see Sherlock from now on, that they’ll be even more inclined towards cruelty. He realizes just how far he’d go to protect Sherlock isn’t normal, not as “just” his flatmate or “just” his friend. He looks at Sherlock and realizes he’s in love and it’s shocking and it’s scary.

And as he watches Sherlock jump, as he sees him fall and fall and fall, John can’t help but think about their last conversation, the one in the lab, and he wonders how he could be just as terrible and heartless as the rest of them.

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who has worked with people with developmental disabilities (including autism), I saw signs of Sherlock being on the spectrum from the first episode (though I missed the stimming at first). these feelings were recently confirmed when I read [meta on the subject written by someone with autism](http://street-howitzer.tumblr.com/post/15587790724/the-slumber-of-feelings-a-study-of-autism-and-bbcs) and I’m pretty sure everyone who loves Sherlock should read these essays.


End file.
